facelesstrails

Hi everyone. Livejournal has served me well over the past couple of years, and I'm still gonna sign in sometimes to read up the latest postings in my communities and also my friends page. However, I decided that I wanted something new to usher in 2009.

Please follow me to:
http://thequietstormtheory.blogspot.com

:)

Thanks!!

xoxoxo
Anastasia

Mission Wallflower has commenced! It's pretty interesting and very exciting, and also top-secret... I'm not very good at it yet, but I'm sure with patience and perseverence I will be. It does take a lot of effort, though. Oh, well. Here's to a successful mission for a greater good!

God give me strength.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you. Fifty thousand tears I've cried. Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you. And you still won't hear me. Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself. Maybe I'll wake up for once. Not tormented... Daily defeated by you, just when I thought I'd reached the bottom.

I'm dying again...

I'm going under. Drowning in you. I'm falling forever. I've got to break through. I'm going under.

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies, so I don't know what's real and what's not. Always confusing the thoughts in my head, so I can't trust myself anymore.

I'm dying again.

So go on and scream,
Scream at me!
I'm so far away.
I won't be broken again,
I've got to breathe,
I can't keep going under...

--


I sat at a round table in the middle of the dim bar, stared up at her with bated breath. She desecrated a beautiful blue electric Ibanez with a pink Hello Kitty strap. Fiddled with the microphone. The music started and it broke my heart. Time's supposed to heal, why did it leave me behind in a sea of pain that suffocates? I never want to go back there again.

I am at work and I am blogging on
my Ipod Touch!!!!!! Hehehe... That's right. I got an Ipod Touch for Christmas from Naz Jaan!!! And a pretty silver Samsung slide phone too. Suckers.

Brixton Boy you make me wonder if everything's been real
If the trains we caught and the songs we sang existed in a different world
Brixton Boy you make my heart feel sober and my smile forget my face
This is not my place, not your arms, nor your embrace

You could bring us back to the start
You could choose a different path
And make it the right one this time around

Je deteste moi.

Je suis dans le bureau, c'est un jour froid. J'ai juste parlé à Naz sur le téléphone. Il n'a pas semblé heureux... Nous somme un, mais nous ne pouvons pas être ensemble tout le temps. Je veux juste regarder un film de Noël. Il ne fait pas. Donc je le regarderai avec Su, Beck et KC. Est-ce qu'ils ne sont pas les gens les plus pas méchants?

Pourquoi fait tout que je le rends vraiment triste, quand je ne pense pas à mal?

Je vous aime, bébé.

Goosebumps prickle my flesh whenever my thoughts wander to those things. I like hearing myself type... Clack, clack, clack, go the keys on my keyboard. It has a comforting ring to it, comme une chanson, presque. La routine est une bonne chose à s'agripper quand vous avez peur... Quand j'ai peur.

Je manque le vieux nous tellement, mais je ne sais pas comment retourner.

My Français is getting so rusty.

I'm on Orchard Road, sitting on a busy sidewalk… If you can call this a sidewalk, that is. I am actually on some bench-thing right in front of The Marriot. This place used to have a poster right outside it featuring Zsa and Claire, and I used to get so crazily jealous walking past it. Now I feel close to nothing.

Is there a word to describe emptiness? The absence of emotion… What a strange (non) feeling. Too much of it is unhealthy, I think. Today it sort of bubbled up and strangled me and I felt too many emotions when he used vulgarities on me, typical of him, but I thought I’d learnt to control that. I can never accept that vulgarities are a part of him. Nearly every sentence when he speaks normally has at least one, and when he’s angry… Let’s not even go there.

What is the purpose of dreams? I/We have too many to count on our fingers. Perhaps they are there to fuel us when we feel like we have no more roads left in our shoes. We see that distant light at the end of the tunnel, 8 years, he says, dropping the words like feathers. 8 years. Could anything be that simple? I wish for one of those dreams right now to pick me up and hold me in its careful embrace, so I can feel a little bit better. But none come forth. They’re too scared, maybe.

The absence of him feels like… Nothing. Part of me dully craves for him to come find me here, miraculously, but he’s never been that kinda guy. I always find him. It is windy; I am cold, thank goodness for my cardigan.

It is pretty nice sitting here, actually. I can watch people go past. All sorts of people… Families, lovers, young, old, crazy, sane (or perhaps we’re the crazy ones, like he always says).

I will sit here and smoke and smoke till I feel better, and then I will go home. Of course, sitting here till I feel better is just a stupid excuse for sitting here hoping he will call or better still, crawl out of his box and miraculously come find me.

When I’m going mad, I need someone to hold me down. When I feel things hyper-sensitively, I need someone who understands, who can take it and who loves me right through it. I need someone who knows how to make me feel okay again because I don’t really know how to make myself feel okay. Thing is, when you rely on the wrong person, or perhaps on a person who is not yet prepared for such a task, then things crash. My eyes dart around furtively away from my screen. Are you here? Near?

I keep thinking my phone is vibrating but it's not. But stay here Ana, give him a chance to find you, perhaps he's really still here but he doesn't know where you are, an hour is hardly enough time.

Come find me. Make things better. I love you…

Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.

Naz Jaan told me to write this in my journal this morning:

8 years will fly by so fast we won't notice it, and our lives will be exciting and we'll have everything we want then!



Well, this isn't the exact wording for our funny phone conversation, but then again, that's not my fault, it's so noisy at his yard all the time, and me being on the train didn't help the situation much!!

So... We'll see, eh?

It was Hari Raya Haji yesterday, and we were at his place. I sat outside making fun of people on TV with Bubu Ayun while he slept till I decided to wake him up at 1.30pm. We (Naz Jaan, mummy-in-law and I) bought Saddiq a PS2 for doing well in his PSLE, and Bhai Sha asked me if I was sure I wanted to marry Naz - he was equally as (or even more) involved in playing Resident Evil as the kids. I'd fallen asleep on the sofa but was woken up by their yelps and yells and anxious jumps that made not only the sofa but the floor and the walls vibrate. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But you get the picture. I told Bhai Sha sure, but that I'd have to lock up the X-Box in a box to which only I would have the key.

Zuhrah and Zuhayr are so adorable, Zuhra toddles everywhere on her little legs and Zuhayr crawls slowly but surely after her. We called Bubu Ayun the other day just to hear Zuhrah's voice...

Even love, even love is sleeping.

I get the vibe we're all warriors of light and when there's nowhere to run except forwards we have to give it all we have and learn to never look back.

I need to learn to run.

By CARL PICKHARDT

Q: How does a person tell if a romantic relationship is a good relationship?

A: Of course there’s love, infatuation, and feelings of attraction, but these are not enough. Judgment must also be consulted, but that requires knowing what kinds of questions to ask – questions about treatment in the relationship. To begin, consider four kinds of treatment questions to which you must be able to honestly answer “Yes” for the relationship to be good, or at least good enough.


1. Do I like how I treat myself in the relationship?
For example: Do I act like I consider my needs as important and my opinions as valid as the other person’s?

2. Do I like how I treat the other person?
For example: Do I respect the other person’s right to see things differently from me?

3. Do I like how I am treated by the other person?
For example: Do I like how the other person doesn’t criticize me for my opinion when we disagree?

4. Do I like how the other person treats himself or herself?
For example: Do I like how the other person keeps good spirits up during hard times?

In a good or good enough romantic relationship, people treat themselves and each other well.

TEN SIGNS OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

1. Each person makes a continual effort to show each other the most consideration they can give, never the least.

2. Each person feels free to speak up about matters of concern and feels listened to when those concerns are expressed.

3. Neither person pushes or threatens to get their way, and both people feel that limits they set are respected.

4. Conflict over differences is safely conducted, neither person saying or doing anything hurtful in the frustration over disagreement.

5. Both parties keep their word and honor agreements, promises, and commitments made.

6. Both parties can trust the other person to tell the truth, and neither party lies.

7. Neither party is so possessive that the other is expected to give up spending some time apart -- alone, with friends, or with family.

8. Both parties manage anger without doing each other verbal or physical harm.

9. There is equality of sharing in the relationship such that neither party does most of the giving or most of the getting.

10. Neither party uses criticism, teasing, ridicule, or sarcasm to put the other person down.

The reason love is blind is that it is so often deluded by hope – denying or discounting the bad way things are in the expectation that somehow things will change for the better. So even if some of the 10 signs of good treatment are missing, love and particularly “in-love,” can engage in wishful thinking instead of realistic appraisal. Better to “look at the data.”

The best predictor of treatment you will receive is the record of treatment you have received. If you have objected to past treatment, if the other person has apologized for past treatment and promised not to do it again but the behavior has continued, then that person has voted with their actions. What you have is what you’ve got and will continue to get. This is the bottom line: you must love yourself well enough not to let love for another person cause you to accept mistreatment in a romantic relationship.


Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., is the author of more than 20 books, including “Keys to Single Parenting.” To learn more about him, please go to his Web site at www.carlpickhardt.com.

By BRENDA SHOSHANNA

Have you made any of these mistakes?

Mistake 1: Trying To Change Your Partner:
"If they love me enough, they'll change to please me." So many believe that they can and will change their partner. It's only a matter of time. They say, "If he loves me enough, he'll change that small thing to please me." But to your partner, that "small thing" isn't so small. Even if they do try to change to please you, very often they become resentful. "You don't love me for myself, but for the person you want me to be," they say. And it's true. When you try to change them they feel you don't really love them. You just want to turn them into someone to fill your needs.


Mistake 2: Feeling Like You're A Failure In Relationships.
When some people see that things aren't working they become depressed. They start to feel as though they're not loveable, that destiny is against them or that they will always be a failure in love. The truth is that you're not a failure. You simple have not yet been taught important truths about relationships. Once you learn and practice new ideas and methods, you'll be able to handle your life in a way you may have never thought possible.

Mistake 3: Believing You Have To Be "Good Enough" To Keep Their Love.
Many feel they're not "good enough". They feel they have to turn into a pretzel to keep someone's love. Recently a woman came to me and said, "I finally found a wonderful man but I'm miserable in the relationship. Everyday I worry that he'll find out who I really am and leave." This woman not only expected rejection, she actually did little things to bring it about. Soon she began to sabotage the relationship, finding fault with him at every turn. Although she didn't realize it, she did this to feel better about herself. The truth is we can never earn another person's love. The more we try the worse we feel. We must simply understand that who we truly are is entirely loveable. We must learn to make friends with ourselves.

Mistake 4: Rejecting Your Partner So They Can't Do It First.
Many reject their partners as protection individuals against being rejected themselves. The bottom line is these may not feel they deserve a relationship, they feel they can't hold onto a partner because they haven't accepted themselves.

Mistake 5: Believing Your Partner Should Read Your Mind, And Know What You Want Without Your "Communicating" Clearly.
"If he/she really loved me, they'd know what I needed and give it to me." Many believe that if their partners really loved them, they would read their minds. It wouldn't be necessary to have to actually ask for what they wanted. This is one of the most serious mistakes people make in relationships. Without truthful, open, communication no relationship can flourish. Effective communication, however, can be a skill. And though you may feel that you have repeated yourself a thousand times, that YOU HAVE communicated. There are available communication techniques which, in and of themselves, can save your relationship. Not only is it necessary to know what you want, and to ask for it clearly (without producing guilt) -- it is also necessary to be able to accept both yes and no.

Mistake 6: Believing It's Your Partner's Job To Make You Happy.
Your partner is not there to meet all your needs. If he/she says no, it doesn't mean he/she doesn't love you. Some demands may be impossible to fulfill. It is not your partner's job to make you happy. Your partner should be here to grow and share with you.You must learn to make yourself happy, and make others happy as well. Love is based upon communicating, consideration and giving. First, however, you must be happy with yourself, before another can make you happy.

Mistake 7: Believing It's Hard To Get Him To Talk.
"No matter what I do I can't get him to talk, and I do not believe he is sharing all of his honest feelings with me." Many women claim they can't get men to talk. When time comes for intimate conversation guys clam up, offer a few grunts and expect women to magically understand what's going on. Women feel shut out and men feel misunderstood. However, there is something women don't realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they'll talk all night long. Men desperately want to let others know what's going on. However, something else many don't realize is, men are more fragile than women. In order for them to talk, things have to be right. All that's needed here is to learn how to create the right conditions, what is necessary for a man to feel safe enough with you to talk.

Mistake 8: Being Addicted To Fighting.
Many couples keep relationships alive and exciting by fighting. When they see their partner upset, it reassures them that they care. Others have seen their parents fighting and this is the only role model they have. Some are addicted to the "high" they get out of fighting. A few crave the feeling of domination or control. Domination is not love. If it hurts, it is abuse, not love.



Dr Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, workshop leader, is the award-winning author of many books. Her most recent book "Jewish Dharma (Guide to the Practice of Judaism and Zen)," http://www.jewishdharma.com, offers new ways of healing both relationships and all aspects of our lives. She can be contacted at topspeaker@yahoo.com or www.brendashoshanna.com.

Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.

Did you know, that all you need to be a philosopher is the faculty of wonder?
Be grey. I don't give a fuck, be fucking grey. Blend in.
Darling, I am red and gold, not grey... But perhaps I could try bathing in dust. I've heard it's very effective.

We had dinner at Bugis last night, at that halal Chinese place that serves the fried fish soup with rice he loves so much. Every time we dine there, he pours the entire bowl of rice into the soup, mixes it up and I observe the delight, like spilled water on a carpet, spread slowly over his features as he relishes his first few mouthfuls. Naz gets really involved with his food, he's almost Italian in that sense.

I got off work at eight - the shitty afternoon shift, and stopped denying that I have claustrophobia (me!!) when the train got weird in between City Hall and Raffles Place. It stopped but the doors didn't open, and then rolled foward slowly, stopping right in the middle of the blasted tunnel. It rolled backwards for a few seconds. Stopped. Rolled forwards. Stopped. And stayed there for a good ten minutes. The entire time, I couldn't keep my eyes from darting here and there, couldn't keep my mind from wondering if the next train was going to hit us from the back, calculating times mentally in my head, texting Naz frantically. What an unglamourous way to die. You cannot imagine my relief when we reached Raffles Place.

So, there you have it. I am claustrophobic. Mildly, but still... Claustrophobic. It was not the first of such instances, you see.

Last night I dreamt that I was on a train somewhere, and it stopped and everyone had to get out and walk, and there were so many people dressed in grey and black, they were walking in procession behind me over train tracks in a great big field. I took out my phone and tried to snap a picture thinking I could win a camera or something by sending it into the New Paper, but for some reason couldn't get a good shot(No duh, hello, camera phone).

Anyway... There is something else that dawned on me, this morning as I was walking to work. This must be Ana Realizes Things Week or something.

You know how I've been feeling, well, strange, the past couple of weeks. Couldn't really pinpoint it, and it's hard to dwell on things when you have a daily routine to follow, a tiring one at that. Things to do that never seem to end. So. Here it is:

I have reached a place that is devoid of emotion.

It's almost like I have lost the ability to feel. I do feel things, when sadness, anger, or joy is triggered by someone or something, but it's almost as if I'm feeling everything underwater, or through a glass wall. I'm somewhat glad for it, in a way, but I'm scared. I'll tell you why.

I am an artist, I take pride in my work. I write songs freely, giving to the world straight from somewhere deep inside me, with no barriers. Like Naz said, when I am on stage - I may have stumbled all my life but up there, I am just perfect. I never control the music, it possesses me, it builds up on my feelings and barters warmth for my scars. But those feelings, they are the key. If I don't feel, what is there to write? What is left to sing? Nothing but empty notes, dry chords. What if the ability to feel everything hypersensitively, the way I usually do, vanishes completely. Naz calls it "aggro/emo" - he'll be happy coz he'll be having to "deal with" less and less of that. This is almost like the way I feel whenever I have a sore throat and lose my voice and panic that I'll never get it back again.

The reason I'm glad is because it's like I'm finally granted a respite. Feeling everything hypersensitively, having even little things affect me and hurt me and anger me and poke razor barbs into the tenderness of my stupid soft heart is tiring. Crying is tiring. Questioning why and going crazy and scratching my own skin out of that madness is tiring. Trying not to hate is tiring. It seems like someone else has come to take over being me for a while. I'm here, but I'm sitting snug in the backseat of my head, watching the world through a CCTV while the substitute Anastasia does everything for me. Thing is, being a substitute, she's not a real person, she's sort of like a wind-up doll or something, therefore she cannot feel things but she screens everything that's supposed to trigger feelings and reacts somewhat accordingly, before giving a short report in point-form to me safe in my backseat at the end of the day(hence the underwater/glass wall metaphor). She does all my work in the office for me, answers questions, fulfills demands others make of me, smiles for me and laughs at the moments I'm supposed to, when she doesn't even get humour - she isn't programmed to.

No one knows, and since no one really reads this blog, I'm pretty much safe. Don't know how long I'll be in here, but I like it. It feels like forever. Safe, forever, with my body running on clockwork.

You know what sucks, though.
I still feel fear, perhaps more acutely than ever - just look Incident Claustrophobia.

And... I simply don't enjoy cigarettes anymore.

You make me feel so far away. Like waves tugging on my toes, begging me to follow them home into the swirling blue-green water. I find myself blinded and abhorred, lonely. I keep the loneliness from spilling over and out my lips by inhaling big gulps of air and taking quick drags on my cigarettes. I am forgotten now, a has-been. No more bright lights, I am suffering from withdrawal, the stage is a distant memory, give it to me once more and I will lap it up like a thirsty animal. The songs don't ooze out of my pores the way they used to, the music has left me behind, perhaps it doesn't remember that I used to be its darling, its precious medium. Come back, come back. I want to feel my fingers pressing chord after chord again, melodies shooting out from inside my magic vocal box with my eyes closed, I want to hear the applause. Like a plant without water and sunlight I am withering away. I want the words to claim me as their own again without me having to try, and try so hard. Where have they gone? Come back, come back.

Do you think that perhaps one day, I will be able to move forwards without chains tied around my feet? If when the time comes, I will even remember how to move forwards? If I will remember my objective?

Remove your trigger finger, I mean no harm. I am open now, vulnerable, split my heart open and you will find your name sewn into it with a rusty needle, over and over, with blood thread. Your face etched into it. Teach me how to disbelieve. How to hate. Shut up. Go home.

Dhillon's given me full run of Swimming events. Recently did my 3rd one last Sunday, the Tanglin Club Masters Swimming Championships. He just came to (in his words) "show his face, smile and look pretty".

And here's a letter from the Swimming Convenor:


Just a quick note to say "thank you" to all of you for making this meet such a great success.

I had people from the British and Dutch clubs say to me that The Tanglin Club had set a new and very high bar as to how all future Masters interclub events should run.

Totalswimming again went well beyond their obligation to TC to rally teams, coordinate with the Clubs and manage all of the race logistics.
Brilliant as usual.

Dhillon and Ana were again fantastic at giving the event life.
Something which has been lacking in the past from Tanglin Club events and which we now have in abundance. Great stuff.

Yesterday was as good an advertisement for the Tanglin Club and Masters Swimming as one could hope for.

Thanks again.

Cheers

Andrew Crombie
Swimming Convenor

"The first of its kind, sky-dining offers an extraordinary dining option. Feast on a wide selection of sumptuous meals prepared by highly-skilled chefs, 90 metres above the sea inside a cable car. Be starry-eyed with the ideal 2-hour romantic dinner date for couples who want a pleasant and novel getaway. Those seeking a bold food fare occasion can laze around and view the quaint Singapore landscape and the scenic setting sun.
The two-hour long ride traverses through Cable Car Towers and Sentosa before heading onto The Jewel Box. Take in the awe-inspiring sights with equally satisfying catered spreads and be immersed in an exciting epicurean journey."


Pictures will be up soon. And let me tell you, it was every bit as beautiful as it sounds.

I really, really need to find a room to move into. If I'm giving my father $500 a month, I might as well use that for accomodation. I don't even know if I'll ever get all the money I'm giving him back anyway.

I am tired, so tired of living my life around what other people think is right. I'm exhausted of being told that my dreams are unrealistic and childish, that my talents are stupid. I'm weary of being put down, made into everyone's punching bag day after horrible day. I've never had the balls to stand up for myself. I allow people to put me down time and again and just sit there and take it.

I'm tired of making decisions based on what other people will feel about them. I just want to be me without feeling guilty about being me, withought feeling stupid about the things that I like or don't like. I just want to be free for once.

December is Ana buys nice presents month! :)

We went to the IT fair at Expo yesterday and got thumbdrives, one each. The 8GB ones were going for $24.90! I was a little disappointed as there wasn't much Apple stuff on sale. I'm looking for a nice skin for my Mac...
After the fair we headed down to CableCar, this cosy little pub near Centrepoint, and stuffed our faces with pasta and wine(this probably makes me a "jahelia"). It was the first time Naz took me to an actual company function (colleagues' weddings and gatherings like the one at Powerhouse don't count) and I got to meet the people he used to work with before he switched vessels. Some were pretty interesting, filthy (well, maybe not filthy, but almost) rich but down-to-earth. After a while, I had to put to use my skill in the art of looking interested as everyone talked about work and I got completely lost. I must say, I'm pretty damn good at it. Tanglin Club functions are good examples.

Got home at 11.30pm and by 12am, commenced on mission Clean-Ana's-Room. The mission was successful, with only minor leg injuries caused by glass falling out of a photoframe and slicing the skin. Time of completion was 3.42am.

Paying Rebecca to help me submit the photos for my Love Dilemmas column for SEVENTEEN's January Issue as it has to go to print by today and everything is in my Mac at home. She'd better get it right...

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.......! In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.